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List of Posts by Sikowitz
This is the page with a list of Sikowitz's posts on TheSlap. Posts *'Sikowitz:' I am on TheSlap.com. Now what do I do? ... and where did I put my coconut? *'Sikowitz:' As you know, school has now begun, but I, Erwin Sikowitz, have yet to return to Hollywood Arts. And that's because my list of demands (which I sent to the school administration months ago) has yet to be met. My Demands # Coconut vending machine MUST be added to the Asphalt Cafe so that I can get my daily serving of coconut milk. #My mother MUST be banned from the Hollywood Arts premises. Every time she comes to visit, she hurts my feelings. #A pay raise would be nice. Tie-dyed clothing is back in style and becoming rather pricey. #A new PearTV MUST be installed in my classroom so I can play my acting reel on a continuous loop—for educational purposes, of course. #Have security stop searching my satchel every morning. What's inside a man's satchel should be private. Once all of the above have been completed to my satisfaction I will return to my position teaching the dramatic arts—or until my mortgage is due whichever comes first. *'Sikowitz:' Hello students, I'm teaching again. None of my demands were met, but my mom said she'd cut me from the will if I didn't go back to work. *'Sikowitz:' Do you know if masseuses offer teacher's discounts? I have a lot of stress to be relieved! *'Sikowitz:' I dropped my harmonica in the men's room toilet. **'André:' Sorry man. I know a place where you can get another one. **'Sikowitz:' Why would I get another one? **'André:' Cuz your old one fell in a toilet. **'Sikowitz:' And your point is? *'Sikowitz:' Ping to the Pong! Isn't that what the kids are saying these days? **'Jade:' No one says that. *'Sikowitz:' Everyone wants to know what my homemade sausage is made out of. Hilarious, I know. *'Sikowitz:' Still recovering from reggae night on Sunday. What'd I miss? **'Beck:' About 2 1/2 days of school. **'Sikowitz:' No, I meant important stuff. *'Sikowitz:' Do they make special sun screen for the top-of-your-head skin? *'Sikowitz:' Trick or Treat? I pick trick. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH *'Sikowitz:' Can't stop playing that Ditch the Fish game. It's starting to affect my job, my relationships, my life. Help. *'Sikowitz:' I'm running a marathon next week in Long Beach. Guess I better start practicing. *'Sikowitz:' I make my own cranberry sauce. Interesting thing though, it contains no actual cranberry. *'Sikowitz:' Step right up and get a little bit of Sikowitz! *'Sikowitz:' Acting is like fishing. Only there is no fish. *'Sikowitz:' Later on, we'll perspire as we sit by the fire... **'André:' You know those AREN'T the real lyrics right? **'Sikowitz:' Yes, but sweating is funny. *'Sikowitz:' Happy Easter, Everyone! **'André:' Dude, Easter's not for like another 3 months or something. Tell me you're kidding... **'Sikowitz:' Wait, what month are we in? *'Sikowitz:' Where did the time go? I can't believe it's 2012 already! **'Rex:' Man, and you're responsible for my education?? *'Sikowitz:' Man, 2011 is dragging. The 70s happened so fast they're still just a blur in my memory. *'Sikowitz: '''Ahh, I love Sundays! **'Beck: You know today's not Sunday right? It's Friday. **'Sikowitz: '''Ah, Good Ghandi! How many classes have I missed so far? **'Beck: '4 *'Sikowitz: 'Just bought diet SOAP. Anyone know how I use it? Eat it? *'Sikowitz: 'Do you think it's odd that a 34 year old man lives with his mom? Just asking cuz my friend does. Not me. *'Sikowitz: 'Get this one—Had jury duty. Judge made me put on shoes! I objected! He didn't care. *'Sikowitz: 'A woman told me I have "mad scientist eyebrows." Is that a good thing? *'Sikowitz: 'I don't remember if I showered this morning. I don't stink, do I? **'Jade: 'Do you remember if you showered yesterday? Cuz you smell the same as you did then. *'Sikowitz: 'I wish they'd invent something that keeps your feet clean while walking around barefoot. **'Jade: 'It's called SHOES! Get some! *'Sikowitz: 'Took my mom to Vegas last weekend. She had a great time. So great in fact that she's never allowed back. *'Sikowitz: 'I waited in line 9 hours for a new PearPad... It turns out it's some sort of computer. **'Robbie: 'Why did you wait in line for it if you didn't know what it was? **'Sikowitz: 'Don't know. Just curious I guess. *'Sikowitz: 'I'm getting ready for the big Sikowitz Sleepover. Teenagers like industrial sized bottles of mayonnaise, right? *'Robbie: 'We sure do! *'Rex: 'He does not speak for all of us. *'Sikowitz: 'I make my own toothpaste. It doesn't clean very well and it tastes like mud, but it's super cheap. Anyone wanna try some? *'Sikowitz: 'Teaching teenagers is like herding cats. Except the cats are over 5 feet tall, can talk, and own cell phones. Okay, That's a bad analogy. *'Sikowitz: For some reason, the audience didn't really buy me as a female steamboat captain. It must be the beard. Not a good look for a lady. *'Sikowitz: '''My favorite class to teach is improv. My least favorite is criminal justice. Why do we even have that class? **'André: We don't. **'Sikowitz: '''Then why am I in court right now? *'Sikowitz: 'Bought stuck in coconut milk cuz an expert told me it's gonna be huge! Not sure why this "expert" was washing my windshield at a gas station. *'Sikowitz: I'm currently hanging out with a strange man in a hot tub… this party sure turned out differently than I expected. *'Sikowitz:' Just bought a foot-odor-scented air freshener for my van. Now, if anyone says my van stinks, I'll blame the air freshener! *'Sikowitz:' Spray on hair DOES NOT work. I can't believe hair in a can let me down! *'Sikowitz: '''It's summer and I have waaaaaaaay too much free time. I need to do something productive ... any suggestions? **'Tori: You could show up to teach your summer school class. I've been waiting here for 41 minutes! *'Sikowitz: '''Those little crackers shaped like fish are very realistic. *'Sikowitz: 'My very confused aunt keeps sending me Christmas Cards. I would say something to her, but all th cards have $20 in them. Score! *'Sikowitz: Did anyone else see that cloud in the sky that looked like a baby giraffe riding an adult elephant?? *'Sikowitz:' I had a nightmare last night that there was a kid in my class who had a puppet. How insane is that?!? *'Sikowitz:' Man being famous must make you weird. This movie star at the gas station kept asking me to wash his windshield. *'Sikowitz:' Looking through some old family photos. Man... I was one ugly kid. *'Sikowitz: '''I would like to know why I've never been chosen for Teacher of the Year. On a side note, I just realized I'm 3 hours late to school. Yikes! *'Sikowitz: Did you know that some high schools teach science, math, and P.E.? What's up with that? #iLuvHollywoodArts *'''Sikowitz: The police kicked in my front door this morning cuz they had the wrong address. They didn't fix it, but they did write me a very nice apology note. *'Sikowitz: '''You kids are so spoiled with your tiny laptops and cell phones. In my day, we had slightly larger laptops and cell phones. **'Jade:' When exactly WAS your day? **'Sikowitz:' You know, I'm not really sure. *'Sikowitz:' I'm only teaching at Hollywood Arts until my agent gets me an acting gig. It's been 10 years. I wonder what's taking him so long! *'Sikowitz:' My mom gave me a $5 gift certificate to the Olive Bargain! I bet I can the get never-ending bowl of NOTHING with that! *'Sikowitz:' My mom forgot to pack my lunch today. Anyone got $5 I can borrow for the Grub Truck? *'Sikowitz: I'm off to a parade in a giant cupcake with 7 children and a puppet. Good gravy! My life's a fairy tale! *'Sikowitz: '''I switched banks cuz the new one gives out lollipops. Turns out though, they charge you 12 dollars per pop. *'Sikowitz:'Wait, it's Halloween already? What happened to Easter? Did I miss it? *'Sikowitz: I wish Hollywood Arts would stop scheduling classes during my nap time. I'm not a good teacher when I'm tired. **'Rex:' Man you must be tired a lot. *'Sikowitz:' Thinking about getting a second job as a mall Santa cuz 1) The hat will cover my baldness. 2) I can eat whatever I want. *'Sikowitz: '''I can say "coconut" in 13 different languages. You might say that's pointless. Well, if we're ever in Malaysia, I won't share my "kelapa" with you. *'Sikowitz:' My new vegan girlfriend is coming over for Thanksgiving dinner. I'm making a regular turkey, but I'm telling her it's vegan. *'Sikowitz:' Holy Ravioli! I accidentally set my alarm for 7 PM! Maybe no one noticed I missed school again. *'Sikowitz:' Christmas yodeling has been a family tradition ever since my great-grandfather was kicked out of Switzerland in 1947 for yodeling badly. *'Sikowitz:' It's a school half-day. You know what that means??? Faculty Tea Party! *'Sikowitz:' I've got family staying with me for the holidays so I need to hide my garden gnome collection. My grandma is gnomaphobic. *'Sikowitz:' Attacked by a family of possums while decorating my Christmas Bush in the front yard. Maybe THIS is why people have Christmas trees INDOORS! *'Sikowitz:' Left my toothbrush at school and security won't let me come in and get it. Well, what am I supposed to do? Buy a new one?! **'Jade:' YES! That's exactly what you're supposed to do. **'Sikowitz:' And waste 3 dollars! **'Tori:' Wait, you haven't brushed your teeth all vacation? *'Sikowitz:' The batteries in my electric drill are dead and I need some coconut milk! **'Robbie:' Many monkeys open coconuts by banging them on a pointy rock. **'Sikowitz:Did you bring a pointy rock to school today? **'''Robbie: Uh, no. **'Sikowitz:' Then what good are you? *'Sikowitz:' Just downloaded the Perfect Potty app. I have no idea what it does but I hope it was worth the $49.99. **'Tori:' You bought an app for 49 dollars and you don't know what it does?! **'Sikowitz:' I figured it had to be really good if it was that expensive. *'Sikowitz:' I wish I was up for the role of a really obese guy. That way, I could eat all I wanted and not have to worry about dieting. #DreamJob *'Sikowitz:' Uh oh. It's almost Sunshine Girl Fudge Ball season. I better start training my eating muscles now! *'Sikowitz:' Lesson learned the hard way: zippers on your shirt are a bad idea if you're a man with a hairy chest. *'Sikowitz:' Just dropped a coconut on my pinky toe. Y'know maybe THIS is why people wear shoes *'Sikowitz:' The only worse thing than ROTTEN coconut milk is NO coconut milk. And that's why I drank rotten coconut milk this morning. *'Sikowitz:' I was just informed that I'm not allowed to shuck oysters in my classroom. Man, when did Hollywood Arts get so strict. *'Sikowitz:' I just turned Tori and Jade into a married couple. It's a march miracle *'Sikowitz:' Should I go snorkelling if I'm afraid of fish? *'Sikowitz:' Grading papers. Every time I come across a stupid answer, I take a sip of coconut milk. I've gone through 4 coconuts on just Robbie's paper alone. *'Sikowitz:' I can't believe I was blown up today. Not a good way to start the morning. *'Sikowitz:' I love having a costume department at school, because some days you just want to teach while dressed like a wizard. *'Sikowitz:' Happy Wednesday! Nothing like a 5 day weekend to really rejuvenate the senses. **'Beck:' It's actually a three day weekend. You're supposed to be in school today. **'Sikowitz:' Oh, well, Cat you're in charge for the next two days. **'Cat:' Yayyyyyyy!!!!!! Let's all tickle each other! *'Sikowitz:' Tomorrow will be the one-year anniversary since I kicked that annoying foot fungus. I'm one-year fungus free! CONGRATS to me! *'Sikowitz: '''Had an emergency root canal this morning before class and I think the laughing gas is finally wearing off. I didn't say anything crazy today did I? **'Andre: You told us you felt shiny. **'Cat: '''And that you were related to the Queen of England. **'Tori: 'And to never let the Secret Service into your classroom. **'Sikowitz: 'So nothing crazy? What a relief. *'Sikowitz: 'I don't see why it's inappropriate to wear LOUNGE pants in the teacher's LOUNGE! *'Sikowitz: 'That Sri Lankan coconut was 3 weeks old and rotten, and it may have given me visions, but it's STILL the best coconut milk I've ever drunk. *'Sikowitz: 'I auditioned for the role of a bald guy in an independent film. I lost the part because I had too much hair. It's a good feeling. *'Sikowitz: '@ doctor's office reading a magazine. Tom and Katie finally tied the knot! Guess i haven't been to the doctor in a few years. *'Sikowitz: You know, it really IS nice to get out and help clean up the community every once in a while. Even if it is court ordered. *'Sikowitz: '''Seems as if my bathing trousers are a little tight this year, i'm not buying a new one. So LA will just have to deal with it. *'Sikowitz: Sorry if I'm a bit sweaty. I forgot to do laundry and my only clean underwear was a pair of long johns. They are not meant to be worn in summer. *'''Sikowitz: I tried to book a trip to Alaska this summer, but I accidentally bought a ticket to Arkansas. Guess I bought snow boots for nothing. *'Sikowitz:' Currently in my PJs, kicking my feet up, and enjoying a tall glass of coconut milk. **'Andre: '''Yeah, that sounds great and all but you probably shouldn't be doing that in class. **'Sikowitz:' Oh, is that why you're all here? *'Sikowitz:' At the LA Cheese Fest. Think I've eaten about 10 pounds of cheddar. That's probably more than you're supposed to have in a lifetime. *'Sikowitz:' Just finished planting a coconut tree in backyard. Why have I never thought of that before!?! *'Sikowitz:' Apparently school started back up today. Really should have set my alarm clock. Oops. *'Sikowitz:' Fell asleep on the beach. Woke up to sand crabs in my shorts. Not a good wake up call. *'Sikowitz: Downside to not having hair: I spend a lot more on sun lotion every summer. *'Sikowitz: '''I need to start dressing up-- start looking more professional. I think I'll wear socks today. *'Sikowitz: -$700 is never a number you want to see on your bank statement. Anyone have +$700 I could borrow? *'Sikowitz:' It's like 100 degrees out today and I forgot my deodorant. I hope nobody can tell. **'Jade:' Believe me, we can tell. **'Rex:' Just thought it was your new deodorant scent: Sweaty Hippie. *'Sikowitz:' Instead of mowing, I'm just going to let the weeds in my front lawn grow tall and call it a spooky maze. I love Halloween time! *'Sikowitz:' I totally forgot I ordered a new coconut cracker until it arrived in the mail today! It's like a surprise gift from myself! *'Sikowitz:' Did you know Jack-O-Lanterns used to be made from coconuts? That was before the Pumpkin Growers Association ruined the holiday. *'Sikowitz:' Here's a fun extra credit activity: Come clean my house! If you get the floor all nice and shiny you get an A+ for the semester! *'Sikowitz:' Today is Thanksgiving?!? BRB-- gotta go buy and stuff a turkey. *'Sikowitz:' I think I'll make coconut cookies this year for Christmas. That way, if Santa doesn't show, then at least Sikowitz gets a tasty treat. *'Sikowitz: ' I'm cooking pancakes for breakfast! Except, I couldn't find a pan. And they're kinda pie-shaped. I don't know what I'm doing. *'Sikowitz:' That's the second time I've been egged while bathing!!! Can't a man shower in peace! *'Sikowitz:' I'm currently trying to identify an object I found in my beard. I think it's tuna, but I haven't eaten sushi in days. Hmmmm.... *'Sikowitz:' I found a coconut in the men's bathroom today. I'll drink it if it's not claimed after 3 hours. Or before that if I get really thirsty. Category:TheSlap.com Category:Quotes